When a loved one faces a blood cancer diagnosis, the immediate focus is naturally on the medical treatment. But a diagnosis ripples through the entire household, impacting partners, relatives, and children.

This Men’s Health Week, we sat down with Paul, whose wife Nicola was treated for Lymphoma at Cheltenham General Hospital. Paul is an engineer, a father to five-year-old William, and a caregiver. He shared with us a raw, deeply honest look at the emotional weight partners carry, and how Linc’s Emotional Support provided the emotional safety net his family needed to get through it.

“This was different—this was my wife”

Sunday the 22nd of October 2022 is a date indelibly locked in Paul’s memory. It was the day Nicola suffered a sudden, generalized tonic-clonic seizure, starting a terrifying roller coaster of medical scans and appointments. After a distressing initial misdiagnosis, they learned Nicola had Lymphoma.

While Nicola remained resolutely determined to conquer the illness, Paul found himself juggling an overwhelming amount of pressure behind the scenes:

“The first crack for me was seeing Nicola coming out of the shower with a huge clump of hair. She had beautiful long curly red hair and I had to use hair trimmers to shave her head. The second crack occurred when our 5-year-old son asked if mummy was going to die. That floored me. I didn’t know what to say other than reassurance. I would put him to bed at night and make up stories about the adventures that Daddy and William would go on, just to try and get him used to the idea that mummy might not be around.”

As the rounds of chemotherapy progressed, financial pressures mounted, and with the six-week school holidays approaching, Paul didn’t know where to turn. If he stopped working to care for William, they would fail financially. That was when The Linc Fund first stepped in to pay for William to attend a local holiday club, allowing Paul to work and Nicola to focus on her daily radiotherapy.

“How Do I Fix This?” The Inner Turmoil of a Caregiver

As an engineer, Paul’s natural instinct was to find a logical solution to the crisis. But cancer isn’t a machine you can easily repair. He explains the internal battle that many men face when trying to stay strong:

“I’m an engineer and my first thoughts were how do I fix this. In my head, the inner turmoil caused me to initially go into what I can only assume was shock… It was my job to protect my family and I had to release my love and care for Nicola to complete strangers and allow them to treat her illness.”

“‘CANCER.’ This word carries a huge weight that constantly hangs around. I feel it’s like a fungus that forever sends tendrils out to infect the loved ones—not physically, but mentally. The mental infection can be just as debilitating as the individual receiving chemotherapy.”

Paul found himself trapped in a cycle of destructive thoughts at night, maintaining a cheerful, strong persona during the day while dealing with severe insomnia. He broke down his internal emotions for us:

• “ANGER” – How dare this disease touch my family, my wife. She’s a nurse, she doesn’t deserve this.

• “GUILT” – Stop being selfish Paul, it’s a random piece of chaos and Nicola just happened to be touched by it.

• “SELFISHNESS” – I started thinking about how I would cope as a widower at 50 with a 5-year-old son.

• “FINANCIAL WORRIES” – How would I cope paying all the bills and mortgage.

Opening Up and Finding a Safe Space

Like many men, Paul tended to bottle things up and compartmentalize. But the pressure was taking a toll. It wasn’t until Nicola was discharged from hospital that she realised Paul was quietly breaking down on the inside.

 “I found it incredibly difficult to open up, men are programmed to just carry on regardless. In my head I was carrying so much it took Nicola sitting me down and telling me I wasn’t present anymore and that it was affecting both her and William. The very two people I swore to love and care for.”

To support him, Linc funded regular clinical psychology sessions for Paul with our psychologist, Poppy. For an engineer used to solving structural problems, this care gave him the exact tools he needed to sort through the noise in his head:

“My greatest strength came from Linc stepping in again, only this time they were saving me… Poppy taught me to realize that the 500 post-it notes in the maze in my brain were actually duplicates of the same 4 or 5 thoughts. I was then able to tackle each one in a logical manner without being overwhelmed. I was finally able to reach my safe space at night and to start repairing my mental health.”

Today, Paul is much better at recognising when things are getting on top of him and discussing them openly with Nicola. He’s also found a brilliant, practical way to look after his own well-being: “I’ve commandeered the spare bedroom and started building a train set. William loves the idea—I’m not so sure about Nicola, as I think she wanted it as a craft room!”

Paul’s Advice to Other Families

For any husband, partner, or family member who has just received a diagnosis and is struggling to process it, Paul offers this direct advice:

“Never bottle things up, it’s ok to cry, shout, scream. The mental burden is just as debilitating. Talk to a friendly ear… Go for a walk and breathe, look at the sky for 10 seconds. Realise that your loved ones need you, and not an emotionless carbon copy. Remain in the present, your inner strength comes from maintaining good mental health.”

Looking Forward: More Support is Coming

Paul’s journey perfectly highlights why we are so passionate about expanding our emotional care. A blood cancer diagnosis impacts the entire household, and partners need a dedicated space to process their own worries.

To ensure more local relatives get the right support at the right time, we are currently working behind the scenes on a new Linc Counselling service based outside of the hospital environment. This will offer a comfortable, neutral space for loved ones to talk things through before they become completely overwhelmed. Keep an eye out for updates on this launch soon. You can read more about the way that Linc plans to support blood cancer patients and their families over the next 5 years in our New Five Year Strategy

🗳️ Help Us Support Local Families Like Paul’s

We are a local charity, and we can only fund vital clinical psychology sessions and practical family grants because of our incredible community.

💙 Donate today to help us keep local families supported through their darkest days. DONATE HERE

As Nicola beautifully reminded Paul: “Too many people are looking at the stars, that they fail to see the beauty of the daisy.” 🌼